So four years is a long time.
Things that have changed in my life: My work situation. My location (same region, different dwelling). My hair (cut it very short two years ago, grew it out, now six months into locs).
Things that have not changed: my unpublished status. My self-sabotaging inclinations. I mean, I should be asleep right now, actually, but let’s not focus on that. Let’s focus on what I’m trying to do.
Things I will (try) not (to) worry about here: who may be reading or not reading. What my writing reads here like. The future. Other nebulous, unspecific fears that I’m sure will reveal themselves in due time.
Goals: Be present. Reconnect. With self, with world. With work toward betterment.
I (rather unexpectedly) went on extended hiatus for a few different correlated reasons. Inexplicable fatigue. Pressure to sound more refined than I perceived myself. Pressure to make this place work as a viable online presence. My life was reclusive and uneventful and I felt I had little to offer. My motivation petered out, dragging my writing progress down with it. I felt I’d run out of things to say, at least at the time. Whenever I felt like hopping back into the groove, I talked myself out of it. I’m still not 100% convinced of myself, but at this point I’m working through those doubts, and I guess that makes all the difference.
I’m realizing that none of those concerns matter. Just do, I’m realizing. Just do.
I’ve sat on this post for a couple of days, wondering how to make it more somehow, how to polish it in ways I couldn’t explain, how to make it work. I have to post it now, because I just remembered that, again, none of that matters.